thought this was pretty funny.... bashing all rice burners

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deadtofall

Not-quite-so-new-guy
Jun 3, 2009
28
0
0
You have more exhaust decibels than your engine has horsepower.

You have aftermarket FRONT wheels for racing but stock rear wheels.

Your engine makes twice as much horsepower as torque.

17" rims up front, 13" out back on your FWD.

You ever painted your wheels to match the same color of your car.

DuPont gave up trying to figure out the shade you were asking for.

Your mod list includes stereo equipment, shifter handle, MOMO steering wheel, PIA driving lights, exhaust tip, but no REAL engine parts.

Your rims and tires are so large, that you have to install the tire / wheel from underneath the car because it simply won't fit in the wheel well going in from the side.

The dealer laughs when you bring your car back in for service under warranty, and you've only had it 6 months...

Your tires / rims stick out from the lip of your car by more than 1."

You installed spacers on your STOCK wheels and tires to get them to stick out past the fender.

You see cars like yours in a Shriner's Parade for Children and clowns are driving them.

You bring an empty Maxwell House coffee can with you to compare size when you shop for an aftermarket exhaust system.

Your sum knowledge of suspension is: "the more negative camber, the better the handling."

You push your car through the staging lanes. That way, maybe you can break into the 16s by keeping the motor cool between runs.

You add a super tall rear wing, and a hundred pounds of aftermarket ground effects, neon and stereo yet you gut the interior and yank out the rear seat for weight savings.

The back lighting in the gauges in your A-pillar gauge pod work long before the actual gauges are hooked up.

You have to find a way to drive AROUND speed bumps in a parking lot.

You install colored bulbs in your aftermarket clear lenses.

You ever put neon on the bottom of your car, and then busted it on the first speed bump you went over.

You painted the UNDERBODY of your car to match

if you can fit fist **** your exhaust tip

EVERY car in your class has a turbo pushing double digits worth of boost.

You spent $5,000 on the engine and you can not out run a stock Camaro, Firebird, or Mustang

You want the 'wastegate' sound, but don't want to install a turbocharger system.

You think Nitrous Oxide on your Hyundai Sonata puts you in the same performance league as the Chevy Corvette.

The automatic version of your car runs 2 seconds slower in the 1/4mile.

If the 1970 Plymouth Daytona Superbird has a smaller spoiler than your car does.

You think the Del Sol is a sports car...

A torque converter does NOTHING for your car.

You think a deep farty noise = the sound of high performance

If you think that horsepower is far more important than torque

If you have ever claimed that switching to a cone filter has given you more than 5 HP.

If you have ever considered installing more than one set of fog / driving lights.

If you claim that the aftermarket cold air intake system you just installed doubled your horsepower or took 2 or more seconds off of your E/T.

Your baseball cap is always on backwards when you drive (the first sign of mental retardation, wearing your clothes backwards... BE).

You spent all night on the Internet trying to find a company that makes a turbocharger system for your Hyundai...

If you removed your side view mirrors and put them at the TOP of the door / window frame.

If you think the Fugees are 'speed' music.

MOMO is 'absolutely required' to go fast.

Your four cylinder has a dual exhaust system installed.

Your four cylinder has four exhaust pipes ("Hey, one for each cylinder!")

The color of your interior upholstery hurts the cones and rods in other people's eyes.

If you cannot drive your car in snow as the ground effects create a plow effect.

If you have installed driving lights to compensate for headlight blackouts / tape.

If you think that 180 horsepower and 185 lb/ft of torque are impressive for a ‘mildly’ modified engine.

If you have stickers on your car for parts that you could not point out if asked where those parts are installed.

You think pushrods are a bad thing…

Your car has more decals than you do the quarter in seconds.

Every Honda you EVER owned, all the way back to your 1978 Accord was either a V-Tec or a TYPE-R.

You took your rear seat out and gutted your interior for weight savings but you installed 400 pounds of electronics, neon, DVD, Sony, etc.

If you gutted the interior to save weight on a car that you will never take to the track…

You lean your seat so far back when you are driving, that every time you hit a bump, its your back and not your butt that hurts.

You have hydraulics and sixteen switches on a car you claim runs low 10s on the street and corners better than a Porsche.

If you can estimate that your car makes more than 250 HP without ever running it at the track or getting a dyno reading.

You claim that you can get a titanium block for your engine.

If you have ever thought Hyundai and "performance" went hand in hand

If you've ever gone to a parts shop or speed warehouse and asked for a 1" to 6" exhaust adapter...

If you've ever contemplated adding "TYPE-R" stickers to your Sonata…

If you've removed more than 1/2 of the coils from your springs by cutting them yourself ...

If you have more neon lights on your car than a strip club...

You put Kanji on your Ford ZX2, Ford Probe, or Mercury Cougar ...

You own a "TYPE-R" Hyundai or Mazda.

You couldn't afford headlight masking, so you just painted them with flat black Krylon and it's peeling. Badly.

You claim that polishing your intake gave you 5hp.

You own a V-TEC Hyundai or Mazda (especially a V-TEC rotary engined Mazda RX-7)

You have neon INSIDE your car or in your ENGINE compartment

You ever claimed that high gas mileage made your car superior in performance to V8s.

If it takes you 8000rpm to reach 30mph from a dead stop at WOT.

You think yellow plastic interior trim makes your car cool

You spend $500 for a giant hand welded tube for a muffler with the weld marks extremely visible

If you paint your drum brakes to simulate Hi-po calipers

If you install fake hi-po caliper / disc simulators

You have a front wing.

If you lower your car and add ground effects but retain the stock 14inch wheels with disc style wheel covers

If you equate the sound of performance with the sound of a Weed Eater™

If you think bolting a fake muffler to one side to simulate dual exhaust is cool

If you think colored head lights work better

Clear tail lights and turn signals. They’re colored for a REASON!

If you take mom's 4 door Honda accord and do any kind of mod to it

You drive a Ford Escort station wagon with Kanji, wide tires, and Limp Bizkit stickers on the rear hatch

You claim you lost the race because you had a passenger in the car.

You claim how if you went from a roll you would have beat him.

You claim you lost because you missed a shift... and your car is an automatic.

You claim you lost because he must have been on the juice..

Flying past the person who is 10 car lengths in front of you after they have put on their brakes.. and claim a victory.

after losing you flip your opponent off... rev your motor and fail to break the wheels loose even around a corner.

Tell everyone about how you lost the cop because of your "driving skills."

drive around in a $20,000 import with $10,000 in mods.. and still live with your parents.

You can relate to every line of the song "Pretty Fly For A White Guy" by the Offspring

you take offense when I say.. "your sister is like your car.. small, tight and hard to get into."

You've spent more on graphics and decals than you have in gas, for the whole year

You sound like you're going 90, but you're creeping past 25

You upgraded to the "big bore" 2 inch exhaust

You lose 2 mpg by installing a body kit

Your wing is so large that if you go faster than 65, your bumper drags

You think "displacement" is something that happens to homeless people

You continuously run red lights because they are invisible thru your red window tint

15's are considered HUGE rims

You can reach back and defrost the rear window by hand

You will race anyone, anytime, and already know that you will lose

You spend all your money pimping it out because spending money to make it faster is a waste

Your little sister is the only one impressed with your car

You think your mom's Corolla is fast

The cross section of your exhaust tip is bigger than the contact patch of your tires

Your aftermarket tach is bigger than your fist

You bought the big *ss tach to try to scare off the fast cars

But all it does is let people know how hard you have to push it to exceed the legal speed limit

You rev on school busses

You buy and install custom rims a pair at a time

YOU REALIZE THAT ALL OF THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND YOU STILL THINK YOU'RE COOL!!!

The bill of your hat gets caught when you roll the window up

You go to the auto paint store and pick out the most retina burning color you can find

You buy race gas to drop you from 17.02 to 16.9 in the quarter, and then tell all your friends how fast you went

You add a second battery to power all the neon, and the mini disco ball

You add a wing on TOP of your car, 'cause wagons need down force too

You've ever painted bare, raw fiberglass black and said "Look! It's just like carbon fiber!"

When you install your super phat wing, you put the pointy ends up

You purchase and install a body kit, one piece at a time
 

megaladon6

Comic Book Super Hero
May 29, 2006
4,006
15
0
Danbury, CT
:lol: :lol: i love it, heres a couple more from personal observation
you neglect to mention that your 10sec run was on the 1/8th mile.
you install a V-tec motor into your 92 civic, but neglect to use the V-tec computer. and you stretch the ign wires to the breaking point because you're too cheap to buy the right ones.
you think your honda will rev to 9000rpm ............ stock hey they do it in F1!!! valve float? what's valve float?
you supercharge your honda V6 and still only get a 16sec quarter
 

custom442

Royal Smart Person
Jul 4, 2008
1,889
4
0
Houston
If you tell everyone how fast your v-4 accord is and that's why it has dual exhaust because it's a v-type engine.


A guy actually said this to me before :lol:
 

yourownself

Master Mechanic
Sep 8, 2008
336
38
28
stoughton, ma
you walk into the auto parts store and ask the counter guy for "a oil filter for a LS motor" and then get mad when he gives you a filter for a 2001 camaro with a smug look on his face 8)
 

megaladon6

Comic Book Super Hero
May 29, 2006
4,006
15
0
Danbury, CT
the idiots at autozone asked me "what engine" when i was looking for plastigauge! so i told them, 1972 chevy 350, '97 vortec heads, '80 400 crank... you should have seen the look on his face. :lol:
 

IhaveNoPantsOn

Greasemonkey
Feb 22, 2009
229
0
0
Holyoke, MA
If you think that 180 horsepower and 185 lb/ft of torque are impressive for a ‘mildly’ modified engine.

Hey! I don't think it's impressive, but that's probably about what I'm making...I think...maybe...
 

megaladon6

Comic Book Super Hero
May 29, 2006
4,006
15
0
Danbury, CT
actually i'd LOVE 180hp out of my little 4-banger. of course it's a 90hp stock turbo diesel. and it's still faster than most rice burners.
 

2000.malibu.ls

Royal Smart Person
May 11, 2008
1,311
0
0
Lake City, Florida
IhaveNoPantsOn said:
If you think that 180 horsepower and 185 lb/ft of torque are impressive for a ‘mildly’ modified engine.

Hey! I don't think it's impressive, but that's probably about what I'm making...I think...maybe...

it is impressive, do you know how much wheel hp most 90-2000 I4-V6 cars get!?!

my malibu only has about 120 to the wheels and it will smoke my grandpas 305 in acceleration. But his car has the granny gears though too.

Just to throw this out there, cuase ive brought up my malibu in two threads now, I love the tourque of my cutlass, i got to drive it a bit yesterday, its so much more than Im used to. Im really glad I have limited slip or else I would be leaving black marks everywhere on purpose.
 
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