27 Deep Thoughts to get you through
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1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.
2. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere!
3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
6. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
13. There are two sides to every divorce: ours and sh*thead's.
14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But
if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!
15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the
rest of your life.
16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
20. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.
21. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
22. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
23. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
24. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming
pool?
25. If all is not lost, then where is it?
26. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
27. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you
don't know where it's been!"
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1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.
2. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere!
3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
6. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
13. There are two sides to every divorce: ours and sh*thead's.
14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But
if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!
15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the
rest of your life.
16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
20. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.
21. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
22. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
23. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
24. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming
pool?
25. If all is not lost, then where is it?
26. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
27. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you
don't know where it's been!"
