Joke of the day

[Kennybill]

The Carburetor

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."

 

[Kennybill]

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%. He went back in a month and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

 

[Kennybill]

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Michigan and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'

 

[Bonnewagon]

The organs of the body were arguing over who should be the boss.

The brain claimed that it should be the boss because it coordinated everything.

The muscles said they should be the boss because without them, the body couldn't move.

The stomach declared that it should be the boss because otherwise the other organs would starve.

Finally, the A-hole spoke up and said it was going to be the boss. All the other organs laughed and laughed at the idea of the A-hole being the boss. The A-hole got so mad that he closed up.

After a while, the brain got dizzy, the muscles grew weak, and the stomach felt sick. They all begged the A-hole to be boss. Since then, all the other organs did the work and the A-hole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.

 

[jiho]

A vibrator walked into a bar. A drunk on a stool looked down and exclaimed, "How did you get here? You have no legs or feet!" The vibrator looked up and said, "That's an insult," turned around and walked back out. A few stools down, pontiacgp immediately asked the bartender for more popcorn.

 

[1evilregal]

The organs of the body were arguing over who should be the boss.

The brain claimed that it should be the boss because it coordinated everything.

The muscles said they should be the boss because without them, the body couldn't move.

The stomach declared that it should be the boss because otherwise the other organs would starve.

Finally, the A-hole spoke up and said it was going to be the boss. All the other organs laughed and laughed at the idea of the A-hole being the boss. The A-hole got so mad that he closed up.

After a while, the brain got dizzy, the muscles grew weak, and the stomach felt sick. They all begged the A-hole to be boss. Since then, all the other organs did the work and the A-hole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.

moral of the story: you don't have to be the brains to be the boss, just an a--hole...

 

[jiho]

A dead horse trotted into a bar. A drunk on a stool looked it in the mouth and exclaimed, "You're dead! How can you trot like that?" The dead horse said, "Beat me and I'll tell you." Nothing happened for several minutes, so the dead horse turned around and trotted back out. A few stools down, pontiacgp barfed his popcorn all over the startled bartender.

 

[Bonnewagon]

 

[Bonnewagon]

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

 

[Bonnewagon]

Joe is on his last day at work as a mailman. He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route. When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. Joe happily accepts. After lunch, the woman invites him up to the bedroom for some "desert." Joe happily accepts again. When they are done, the woman gives him a dollar. Joe asks what the dollar is all about. The woman replies: "It was my husband's suggestion. When I told him that it was your last day at work, he told me 'F**k him, give him a dollar. The lunch was my idea."