Joke of the day

Some old timers were sitting on a bench complaining about old age problems. The first guy said "When I wake up I can't pee. All I get is a little dribble. It is terrible". The second guy said "When I wake up I can't poo. All I get is little raisins. It is terrible". The third guy said" At seven AM I pee like a racehorse- buckets. At eight AM I poo like an elephant. Big loads". The first guy said "That's great! What is wrong with that?" The third guy said "I wake up at NINE".
 
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A traveling salesman was going house to house demonstrating new Blue Cheer laundry detergent. He went up to this lady's house and asked if he could wash some of her clothes. She agreed. "Okay lady, I will need a blouse, socks, and two bowls of water." "Alright, hold on a second," and she went to get those things. She came back wearing a robe. She gave him her blouse and socks.

Jack took the blouse and began to sing while washing it. "WASH, WASH, WASH IN MY NEW BLUE CHEER! RINSE, RINSE, RINSE IN THE WATER SO CLEAR AND RUN IT UNDER YOUR NOSE! IT SMELLS LIKE A ROSE." He hands the Lady her blouse.

The lady smelled her blouse and said, "Oh my, this does smell good! Here try my socks!"

"WASH, WASH, WASH, IN MY NEW BLUE CHEER! RINSE, RINSE, RINSE IN THE WATER SO CLEAR AND RUN IT UNDER YOUR NOSE. IT SMELLS LIKE A ROSE!" He hands the Lady her socks.

The lady smelled her socks and said, "Wonderful, but I'm still not convinced. She leaves the room. Coming back she sheepishly saids, Here try my underwear.

"WASH, WASH, WASH, IN MY NEW BLUE CHEER! RINSE, RINSE, RINSE IN THE WATER SO CLEAR AND RUN IT UNDER YOUR NOSE AND...

WASH, WASH, WASH!"
 
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A guy was sitting at a bar looking at a beautiful gal at the end. He told the bartender to give her a drink. The bartender said "You are wasting your time- she's a lesbian". The guy said "I don't care what her religion is- send her a drink". She gets the drink and raises her glass to the guy. This goes on for a while and finally she comes over and says "Thanks for the drinks but I think you are confused- I'm a lesbian". He says "I don't care what your religion is- you are welcome". She says "See that blonde girl over there? I would take her clothes off and have a wild time with her. See that brunette? I would take her home with me and spend all night pleasuring her. Because I am a lesbian". The guy starts crying and sobbing. She says "What's the matter?". He says- "I think I am a lesbian!!!".
 
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Bonnewagon said:
A guy was sitting at a bar looking at a beautiful gal at the end. He told the bartender to give her a drink. The bartender said "You are wasting your time- she's a lesbian". The guy said "I don't care what her religion is- send her a drink". She gets the drink and raises her glass to the guy. This goes on for a while and finally she comes over and says "Thanks for the drinks but I think you are confused- I'm a lesbian". He says "I don't care what your religion is- you are welcome". She says "See that blonde girl over there? I would take her clothes off and have a wild time with her. See that brunette? I would take her home with me and spend all night pleasuring her. Because I am a lesbian". The guy starts crying and sobbing. She says "What's the matter?". He says- "I think I am a lesbian!!!".
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OK, Bonnie, I think GP403 is going to pull your plug now.
 
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HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

My Race car wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
 
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His request approved, the photographer used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go."

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."


"Why?" asked the pilot.


"Because I'm a photographer for CNN Cable News," he responded. "And I need to get some close up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me is, you're NOT my flight instructor?"

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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father ... during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... she started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''
 
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