Joke of the day

[pontiacgp]

this guy from Italy was travelling across the states and he picked up odd jobs to pay his way. He stopped at a nice looking house in Boston and asked the lady of the house if there was anything he could do to make some money, his English was not too good but she understood him. The lady asked him if he know how to paint and he said he said he could do the job. The lady told him to return the next day and there would be paint in the garage to paint to the back porch. The guy returned the next day and after a few hours he went to front door to tell the lady he was finished. The lady thought that was kind of quick so she said she wanted to check his work and asked to meet him out back. When the lady got to the back porch it was not painted so she told him you did not paint the porch asked the guy what he did with all the paint. The guy told the woman to come with him and he showed the lady her black Porsche that he had finished painting and demanded his money.

 

[jlcustomz]

A worker was admiring his bosses new Lambo.
Boss told him if you continue applying yourself & working even harder, then by this time next year, ,,,I may have myself another new Lambo.😜

 

[jlcustomz]

I think I've pretty much figured out my sprinter van work vehicle must be a female.

While driving it today the dash indicated turn signal issue, flashing too fast. Pulled over & went spank the right side tail. Signal back working. Proceeded driving & same thing happened. Spanked tail again. Behaved for a little while & same thing again. After another spanking, decided to pull out panel & played with bulb a little. Still not staying happy I pulled bulb out & stuck finger in socket hole & rubbed it a bit. Put bulb back & proceeded driving again with it staying happy the rest of the day.

YEP, it must be a female.
Just sayin....

 

[fleming442]

 

[Pc3]

Two retired ole friends are sitting at the park. A German Shepherd comes over and sits right in front of the two retired friends,one friend says to the other what a beautiful dog!
As he says this the dog starts licking himself,one friend say's to the other,Hey I wish I could do that!
the other replays DO YOU THINK you should pet him 1st

 

[Bonnewagon]

A well dressed attractive young Irish woman pulled up in front of her parent's house in a brand new Cadillac. When she rang the doorbell her Father answered. She said "I have come home after 10 years to make amends". Her father asked "So what has become of you?" "Dad, I am a prostitute" she said. "BEGONE!" yelled her Father. "I have no daughter!" "OK" she said as she handed him the keys. "Here. The car is for you. There is a brand new fur coat for Mom in the trunk. I won't bother you again". "Wait a minute" said the father. "What did you say you were?". "A prostitute" she said. "OH, is that all?" he said. "I thought you said you were a PROTESTANT! Welcome home!".

 

[jlcustomz]

 

[mikester]

Bob was 90 and put into a nursing home. One day an 87 year old woman named Gladys stopped by his room to chat. She asked him if there was anything he missed in his life. He told her since his wife passed away he was never with another woman. She tells him at his age there wouldnt be much he could do anyway. Bob says he missed a womans touch the most. He'd be happy if a woman would just hold his pecker. She says she could do that for him and reaches into his PJs and holds it for 5-10 minutes. Hes in heaven.
This becomes a daily thing.
One day Gladys goes to his room and Bob isnt there. She gets worried. Walks all over the nursing home looking for him. She finally finds him in a day room sitting at a little table nose to nose with another old woman.
Who is this Bob she asks. Bob replies, this is my new friend Betty. Gladys asks "what does she have that I dont ?"
Bob smiles and says "parkinsons".

Yeah, Im going straight to hell for that one.

 

[fleming442]

Bob was 90 and put into a nursing home. One day an 87 year old woman named Gladys stopped by his room to chat. She asked him if there was anything he missed in his life. He told her since his wife passed away he was never with another woman. She tells him at his age there wouldnt be much he could do anyway. Bob says he missed a womans touch the most. He'd be happy if a woman would just hold his pecker. She says she could do that for him and reaches into his PJs and holds it for 5-10 minutes. Hes in heaven.
This becomes a daily thing.
One day Gladys goes to his room and Bob isnt there. She gets worried. Walks all over the nursing home looking for him. She finally finds him in a day room sitting at a little table nose to nose with another old woman.
Who is this Bob she asks. Bob replies, this is my new friend Betty. Gladys asks "what does she have that I dont ?"
Bob smiles and says "parkinsons".

Yeah, Im going straight to hell for that one.

One of my favorites!!!!

 

[mikester]

One of my favorites!!!!

Better when youre telling it instead of writing it in a post. The shaking hand gets the reaction. Some folks laugh, some say its terrible. Like I said, Im going straight to hell. For the guys that chuckled reading it, I'll save you all seats on the bus.