Joke of the day

[pontiacgp]

Piece of string heads into a bar, jumps up on a stool and tries to order a drink. The bartender tell the piece of string the bar does not serve string and told the piece of string he had to leave. The piece of string heads out of the bar and goes down an empty alley. The piece of string pulls a few strands from either end and twists his body, then he heads back into the bar and jumps up on a stool. The bartenders takes one look at him and asks "aren't you the piece of string I just tossed out of here?" The piece of string looks at the bartender and says no, I'm a frayed knot

 

[oldsofb]

I saw two crackers walking in a bad neighborhood.........one was a salted.

 

[pontiacgp]

I ws going to write another joke but my pencil broke so it's pointless now

 

[Bonnewagon]

A fireman and his wife want to spice up their lovemaking. The fireman says "When I say 1 alarm you run into the bedroom. When I say 2 alarms we get naked. When I say 3 alarms we go at it". They do this and the wife yells out "4 alarms!" The fireman says "What is 4 alarms?" The wife says "MORE HOSE!!".

 

[Bonnewagon]

A Russian, a German, and an Irishman all sit down at a bar at the same time. All 3 order a Guinness at the same time. All are served at the same time. A fly lands in each glass at the same time. The Russian flicks the fly off and downs it. The German demands a new one. The Irishman is holding the fly by the wings yelling "Spit it out! Spit it out I tell ya!!".

 

[fleming442]

I spilled spot remover on my dog, now I can't find him.- Steven Wright
I love an escalator because it can never break; it only becomes stairs. -Mitch Hedberg

 

[Bonnewagon]

A blonde volunteered to be the first female astronaut to go to the Sun. When asked about burning up she said "Don't be silly. I'll go at night".

 

[ssn696]

How do you make a pirate irate?

Take a P.

 

[AZRegal]

A guy walks into the bar with his pet monkey. The guy pulls up a stool to the bar and the monkey heads over to the pool table. The monkey hops up on the pool table and immediately grabs the cue ball, shoves it in his mouth, and swallows it. The bar tender sees this and demands the patron pay for a new cue ball. The guy says don't worry i will bring it back to you in a couple days.
Sure enough the guy returns two days later with his monkey and the previously swallowed cue ball. He hands the cue ball to the bar tender and says all clean and good as new. The guy pulls up a stool and the monkey hops up on the bar next to his owner. The monkey grabs a peanut out of the bucket and proceeds to shove it up his *ss. He then pulls it out and eats it. The bar tender is a little grossed out and says what the hell is that all about? The guy says every since the cue ball he likes to measure things first.

 

[CopperNick]

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter. He/she isn't going to come anyway.