Joke of the day

[69hurstolds]

A guy walks up to the bar and says to the bartender, "Hey bartender, I bet you $50 I could lick my eyeball." So the bartender thinking easy money, says, "Ok, you're on."

The guy takes out his glass eye, licks it, and pops it back in. The bartender laughs and gives the guy his cash.

The next day, the guy walks up to the bar again with another bet. "Hey bartender, I bet you $100 I could bite my elbow." The bartender agrees.

The guys pulls out his dentures, bites his elbow with them, and pops them back in his mouth. The bartender laughs and hands him the $100.

The next day the same guy walks up to the bar with a new challenge. "Hey bartender, I bet you $500 I could place a shot glass at the end of the bar and pee in it from here without spilling a drop." So the bartender thinks this is a no-lose proposal. He agrees.

The guy stands up on the bar, pulls down his pants and pees all over the place. He pees all over the bartender, the customers, in peoples drinks- everywhere. The bartender is rolling on the floor with laughter. "You owe me $500!"

"No problem", says the guy, giggling and smiling. "Here's the $500."

Bartender says, "What's so funny? You just lost $500!"

The guy replies, "See those two guys at that table over there? Ten minutes ago, I just bet them $1000 each that I could piss all over your bar and you would laugh when I did it."

 

[69hurstolds]

Q. Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie?

A. Because Ken came in another box.


Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

A. She gagged.

 

[pontiacgp]

Mickey Mouse is divorcing Minnie, Mickey found out she was f!#&king Goofy

 

[Bonnewagon]

A woman went shopping for a Barbie doll for her daughter. One was $10 and another was $1000. When she asked why the difference the clerk said "That one is Divorced Barbie. She comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's airplane, and everything else Ken had".

 

[69hurstolds]

Barbie jokes, eh?

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.
Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl, "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."



Now they have a fat version of Barbie. They renamed her "Carbie".

 

[69hurstolds]

Teacher: And therefore, sperm cells are made up of glucose.
Girl Student: So you're saying that sperm has sugar in it?
Teacher: Technically. Yes.
Girl Student: But it doesn't even taste like that...
Teacher: What!?!?
Girl Student: What?

 

[tc1959]

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

 

[69hurstolds]

What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a d**k drawn on your face?
Finding out it was traced.

Playing in my first high-school football game reminded me of the first time I had sex...
...I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

 

[Daca214]

Three construction workers sitting atop a skyscraper in NY about to have lunch.

the italian guy opens his lunchbox and says madone, if I get sausage and peppahs tomorrow Im taking a header off this f#%$5 skyscraper

the Puerto Rican guy opens his lunchbox and says cono man, If I get rice and beans tomorrow, Im joining ya

the Polish guy opens his and say man Kielbasa again, every day kielbasa...tomorrow I open, and same thing, I jump too

so next day, Italian guy opens his, sees the sausage and peppahs and dives right off. Puerto rican guy sees his rice and beans and poof, hes gone too. Polish guy is praying he doesnt get Kielbasa....opens his and off he goes.


so all three wives are mourning at the funeral. the Italian wife is beside herself...I really thought he loved sausage and peppahs....the puerto rican wife is crying LOUDLY.....I swear he never said anything, I thought he loved Rice and Beans...

the Polish wife is just shaking her head, in shock and disbelief.

the other two wives look over and ask if shes ok... she says she just doesnt understand.....He packed his own lunch!!!!!

 

[fleming442]

A blonde is reading a girl mag like Cosmo or Vogue and sees an article stating the benefits of milk on skin. She decided to go big and take a bath in milk for a total skin makeover. A few days later, she places her milk order on the door for the milkman. *I need 25 gallons of milk" read the note. The milkman shows up, reads the note, doesn't believe it, and knocks on the door for clarification. She answers the door, and he stammers "Ma'am, did you mean 25 gallons or did you miss a decimal point?"
"No, sir, I want 25 gallons; I want to take a bath in it. I read it's good for your skin."
"No problem, ma'am! Would you like that pasteurized?"
She replied,
"No, just up to my t*ts. I can splash it up to my eyes."